Monday looked like it was going to be "one of those days". Now its Thursday and I've just realised that one of those days has turned into one of those weeks. Its strange, some days I feel as though Brooke and I are best friends, we have loads of fun and the day just flys by in a whirl of colouring, reading, computer time and playing with Cameron. Those are the days that I love being at home with the 2 of them and wish that I didn't have to go back to work. On those days, Cameron falls asleep when he is tired and laughs the rest of the day away. Brooke doesn't sulk, or complain about anything and I feel like the best mum in the world.

Then we have weeks like this one. Where Cameron refuses to sleep and just gets more and more tired, crying and rubbing his eyes. Where Brooke realised that I'm paying attention to Cameron to try and get him to sleep and starts messing about to get some of the attention back on her. Where I end up feeling like tearing out my hair and staring at the clock waiting for Wayne to walk in from work. Its not pretty.

I made a decision on Monday which has led to much of the madness and hysteria this week. Mr C is still point blank refusing to drink milk from anywhere other than me. We've tried bottles with as many different teats as we can buy. We've tried different types of cup, different types of milk but no. He will drink water from a cup but not milk. If his milk doesn't come directly from my boobs then he doesn't want to know. This is all very well but in a few weeks time he is going to start settling in at nursery in preparation for me to go back to work. Something has to give..

Now, the negotiations for my working week are going to be interesting enough as I make sure I have enough flexibility to be able to pick Brooke up from school as much as possible and ensure that I'm not working late every night. In the city its kind of expected that a 9-5 day actually means 9 - 7ish and I'm not going to do that. If I have to suggest to my boss that I come in for 9, leave at 9.15 to get back home in time for Cameron's 10am feed and then get back to the office about 11.15 before leaving again at 1.15 for his 2pm feed, back again at 3.15 and then leave at 5 I really don't think she'll go for it. Do you?

We've been trying to get him onto a bottle since about last November. I'm not ready to totally stop breastfeeding but just for one or two feeds a day. We've tried everything. He has proved to be far more persistant than Wayne and I and so far he has won every battle. On Monday I reached the point where I think he eats so much solid food (breakfast, lunch and pudding, snack mid afternoon and then dinner and pudding) that I think he can go without milk during the day if he won't take it from a bottle or cup.

There. That was a fairly easy decision to make but it has led to a difficult week. Monday was surprisingly easy - probably because we were out and about for most of the day and he seemed to eat and sleep well but still didn't drink from the bottle. Tuesday however...... he cried for an hour and a half in the morning when he realised he wasn't getting any boobs and 2 hours in the afternoon for the same reason. He didn't sleep a wink. I cried with him for one of those hours in the afternoon and trust me, I could have slept at any point! Nightmare day. Poor Brooke was watching a DVD downstairs in the afternoon and kept creeping upstairs saying "oh no, they are both crying!"

Yesterday, slightly better. Morning milk time went like this : Sit on my bed with Cameron all relaxed and happy but looking like he wanted milk. Offer him a cup of milk. He chews the lid but won't suck. Swap to bottle number 1. Again, he plays with it but won't suck. He begins to get stressed out. Swap to bottle number 2 with a different teat. Total breakdown from Cameron as he pulls my hand into his mouth and starts sucking my wrist. Bottle is replaced in his mouth and he refuses to suck. In the end he cried for about 10 minutes before falling asleep and missing out on the milk completely.

At afternoon milk time he actually drank 3 ounces from a bottle (woo hoo) before spitting it out and crying so we are making progress. Its just so hard to see him upset and know that all I have to do is pick him up and feed him myself to make him happy. Its bad enough not being able to help your baby when you dont know why they are crying but to have to try and comfort them while you know you could make them happy in about 2 minutes makes me feel really horrible. But we've come this far and its getting better each day so I can't go back now.

He has seemed to enjoy his morning and night feeds more this week so that's good. I'm not ready to give those up yet, they can stay until his teeth start to come through. I've found it easier to feed him than I did Brooke and I know that if we don't have any children then stopping the feeds altogether is the end of an era. I think that's why I'm holding on to the first and last feeds of the day.

So - that was a long rambling way to say that I'm way behind in everything that I wanted to do this week. I have patterns that I should have written up and submitted for publication at the beginning of the week still languishing in my TO BE DONE pile and a million other things that keep looking at me... But while Mr C is going cold turkey from the daytime boobs its going to be chaos for a little longer around here.. Lets hope I can stick it out!