Kid stuff...

Today is day 2 of Brooke's spring holidays from school. Schools in our area are experimenting with new school holiday dates which means that for us, most of the places to go are less busy when Brooke is on holiday as nearly all the other children are in school. I have heard that a few parents who have children in different schools in neighbouring counties are unhappy as none of the holidays are at the same time, now that would be a nightmare.

I'm also less than 2 weeks away from my return to full time work. I have really mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I will be glad to get back to the routine of work. To days filled with adult conversations, decisions to be made and results to be achieved. Presentations to give, reports to prepare and team meetings to go to. On the other hand, I am really sad to be leaving the children although I've arranged my hours so that either Wayne or I will be able to collect Brooke and Cameron every day.

The last 8 months at home with 2 children in a new village have been amongst the hardest I've ever been through. I love Brooke and Cameron to pieces and on the whole they are both really good, easy to look after children. That doesn't mean that looking after them on my own for around 12 hours a day is easy. Far from it. I feel a real pressure to be a perfect mum. While I'm aware that the pressure comes from me and no-one else, I still strive for perfection and beat myself up when I don't achieve it. I know that "perfect" means something different to everyone , but to me it means being a constant, reliable, always available mum who is even tempered. I dread turning into someone who is bundles of fun one minute and a
screaming demon the next but sometimes, I feel myself going there.

The balance between loving my children with every inch of my soul and then 10 minutes later wishing that I could be transported to somewhere (anywhere) where they are not is heartbreaking. I don't want to feel like that, I want every minute to be full of laughter and smiles. I love the times when Brooke sits cutting up old magazines and sticking them on to paper while I build endless towers of blocks for Cameron to knock down. All 3 of us in the same space, having fun and laughing. Why can't it always be like that? The 2 of them are so different, in some respects the 4 years between them is brilliant as it means Brooke has had her own space to grow and can help me out but at the same time it means they are at such different
places in their life that their needs are totally different.

Cameron's needs are very physical. At 8 months old he is crawling, pulling himself upright and walking around the furniture, climbing stairs, picking up anything and everything he can find and shouting. He wants to be touching me all the time. He will play contentedly on his own as long as I am either under him, next to him or within reach of him. He needs to feel that if he stretches out his arms he can touch me. He climbs on me, over me, sits on my feet and hands and is constantly patting me, stroking me and wanting to be cuddled. When Wayne is at home at the weekend or we are around someone elses house he is not like this. Then he will play on his own without caring where I am. When I leave him at nursery he waves and smiles as I
leave and shows no signs of distress. Its only when I am at home with him that I can't be away from him. As much as I love the cuddles and closeness, this is really draining. I go to the toilet with him sitting feet away from me. I eat meals with him inches away from me. I carry him from room to room while I do various jobs. He is rarely in a different room to me for more than a few minutes. Its physically tiring.

Brooke's needs are more emotional. She is totally independant and physically needs me for very little. She is constantly on the move and we spend every minute together talking, singing, dancing and running around. She likes me to read to her (or more recently she reads to me!) or make up stories or songs for her or sing with her. She loves to play with Cameron but gets frustrated with him when he always crawls to me or when he won't play the games she wants him to. Brooke can't do nothing. She gets this from me. For instance, we'll spend an hour painting, followed by an hour of playing board games, followed by lunch, then a trip to the park then she looks at me and says "what can I do now?" Sitting doing nothing is not an option to her. She is one of the most active kids I've ever seen. She is always asking questions "How did Jesus die on the cross?
Was it because his hands and feet hurt with the nails or was he too hungry?" "How do peacocks get their feathers out and then back down again? Is it easy?" "What does alive mean?" "Why is that duck on his own? Don't the other ducks like him? Is he mean?" I love this about her. I'm glad that we've taught her to be confident and question anything that she doesn't understand but sometimes, I yearn for a bit of peace and quiet.

The days the 3 of us spend together are extreme times. When the 2 of them are happy and play nicely together they are fantastic. We spent yesterday out at the zoo and had a perfect day. However when either one of them is tired, hungry, sad or grumpy then we all suffer. This is the way it seems to be most evenings from about 5pm until bedtime. Both kids are tired and hungry. I'm frustrated and trying to cook dinner with Cameron shouting at me from his highchair and Brooke demanding stories and songs. Brooke is desperate for her dad to come home and I'm also desperate for the chance of some adult company and a new face to entertain the children.

My patience levels are not great at the best of times. I get stressed out easily and although I try to stay relaxed and remind myself that things will get better as soon as everyone gets fed, bathed and put to bed I can't stay calm. I usually end up shouting / crying and feeling like the worst mum in the world. I wish I had endless patience. Enough so that I never shouted, cried or threw my hands up in despair at the children but I don't. The reality is that I find it hard to be a full time mum. Harder than going to work. Harder than anything else I've ever done before. And that makes me feel bad. How can it be so hard when I have 2 gorgeous kids, a great husband, beautiful new house, good job to go back to shortly and a whole handful of hobbies? I don't know. All I know is that is hard.

That's not to say I regret any of my choices. As soon as Wayne walks through the door and Brooke hurls herself at him with a huge smile on her face while Cameron babbles "dad dad dad" and bangs his hands on his highchair tray in glee I feel a weight lift from me. While I listen to Brooke telling her dad all about her day and I see Cameron climbing all over Wayne as he tries to eat his dinner I start to smile. By the time the 2 of them are in the bath, covered in bubbles and splashing water everywhere I've almost forgotten that I was stressed at all and when I see their little faces fast asleep in bed with their arms stretched out and teddies strewn across the bed I feel so much love for them that I can't believe they ever reduce me to tears. Then the next day, it starts all over again.

I've been reading lots of blogs over the last few weeks where various people have talked about how hard they find being a mum. Each and every one of them makes me nod and think "yes, I feel like that too" Perhaps this is normal? The more I think about how I feel about going back to work the more I'm not sure whether I'm happy or sad. Maybe its OK to feel both? I needed to write this so that when I am back at work I remember how I was feeling now. Also in answer to the emails I get from people everyday telling me that I'm so lucky, how my life is perfect and that they wish they could have everything I have. Yes, I am lucky. But perfect? I don't think so. Its not all as easy as it seems. It is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. I'll let you know when I find the perfect answer!

Trips to the zoo, various wildlife parks and children's play places planned for the next few days. Posts will be brief but I do have some finished stuff to show you..